I recently have been thinking about God's love. Why is it that we can't always feel it? Why do we feel so lost and trapped in darkness at times?
I want to share an entry that I wrote five years ago on our family blog. (I've left out names for the privacy of my family.)
MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 2014
He loves even me.
"Wow January has been a rough month. Let's see what has been going on...
Got back from Utah a few days before the New Year, both boys were sick (coughs, congestion, fevers, snotty noses). At least one of us has been sick since October. Four months of passing around bugs is no fun.
Then there was the "Snowmageddon" here in St. Louis where we got a giant snowstorm and were "snowed in" for a few days, combined with sub zero temperatures. Between sickies and FRIGID weather there has been little of venturing out and much staying in.
It wouldn't be so bad but it feels like our apartment is slowly closing in on us.
There are boxes and bins and stashes of clutter throughout the house, especially upstairs. It's a joke to stay on top of it all, let alone get ready in the morning. (My shirts are hanging in the kids' bedroom, all of my pants, skirts, dresses and undershirts are haphazardly stacked in their closet. My shoes, socks and PJs are are in my room and if I happen to forget something before the baby goes down for a nap, he's too light of a sleeper to slip in while he's sleeping.) It'd be so nice to have one more room. He hadn't been sleeping through the night (and we felt like prisoners in our own room sneaking in to go to bed at night--the slightest creak would wake him.), so we decided to sleep train him in the bathroom. He's been sleeping like a champ, but it makes it tricky to get ready for bed/for the day.
I think what really takes the cake is our older son [who has since been diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and anxiety]. His tantrums are epic and our power struggles are frequent. I'm trying so hard to let go of my need to be in control, but it is SUCH a challenge! It's made for many unhappy, intense and adrenaline-filled run ins with him :0(
Remember me mentioning a little black rain cloud? Well it seems like MOST of January I had a black rain cloud looming overhead.
I felt SO irritable and frustrated and spent. I started realizing how negative my self-talk was getting. In my head I was beating myself up and had very little patience for anyone else. I also noticed how frequently I was saying to myself, "this is hard, this is SOOOO hard!"
One day, after losing my temper with our oldest son I went into my room and melted into tears. My husband was home. Sensing that I was needing extra support, held me and reassured me that I was doing a great job. I told him that I was sick of always having to put on a happy face even when the kids woke up grumpy, even if I was constantly greeted with whining and demands.
What if I'm having a hard day?!
He had been so great to step in on several occasions to take over for me and lighten my load, but each time I would return feeling burdened and unable to handle things positively.
In the midst of all of this I was asked to do a second calling (unpaid service opportunity) at church-- Primary Teacher for the 8 year-olds in addition to being an Activity Days leader for the 8-11 year-old girls.
I honestly was frustrated.
Why was I being asked to do another calling (mind you, it was up to me to accept the calling or not)? Wasn't there someone else who could do it? Don't they know that I already have a lot on my plate?
I accepted the calling, but a bit grudgingly.
This last Saturday I was supposed to give a little presentation at the "It's Great to be Eight program" (to prepare the kids who are 7 for baptism when they turn 8). I'd had a busy day and arrived late. To make a long story short, as I entered the room and listened to the musical presentation and various talks my heart was touched and I sensed the great love that God had for those children.
As I was driving away from the church I had this sweet feeling wash over me and a thought came to me as if God was talking to me saying,
"Sarah, I love you so much."
It sounds trite, but in that instant I realized that all month, probably because of my imperfect ways of dealing with stressful situations, I had felt unworthy of love... how could God love me when I was making less than satisfactory choices? :0( But in that moment I KNEW so strongly that God loved me and wanted so much for me to know it. It felt as if He had been trying all month to get through to me and had finally succeeded. It was such a relief, as if instantly I was able to set down the burden that I had been carrying, knowing that He had forgiven me and was there to help me.
Yesterday at church I was sitting with my primary class during singing time. The music leader was leading us in songs, "Because God Loves Me" and "He Sent His Son". With the second song she had the adults sing the questions in the song and the children sing the answers. I teared up as I heard the girls in my class sweetly sing, and I felt so grateful to be there as their teacher, taking part in such a simple yet sweet spiritual moment. Once again the spirit softened my heart and the thought came to me that God hadn't asked me to be a primary teacher to burden me, but because He knew that these primary kids would bless my life.
These experiences helped me to see that in a way I had been resenting the trials that I've been facing. I think subconsciously I'd been asking,
"Why me? What have I done to deserve this?"
It reminds me of the 18 month mission I served in Montréal Canada. At one point I was dealing with a lot of anxiety, more than I ever had up until that point. I had a constant tightness in my stomach and during that season of life I didn't have many tools to work through it. I was desperate to find some relief. I asked the missionary who oversaw our district if he could give me a priesthood blessing and let me know of God's will for me. I didn't explain any of what had been going on in my heart. He put his hands on my head and acting as proxy for the Savior, told me to let go of my anger, that things were the way they were supposed to be for a reason. I was amazed to know that God was aware of my situation and a bit surprised to hear the source of my anxiety. But that counsel resonated with me and has come back to my thoughts on several occasions since.
I've got to remember that this, all that I'm living now, is for a reason. God hasn't forgotten me. It's not a mistake. I am not being punished and He hasn't forsaken me. He wants to be there for me, I need to make sure not to forsake Him.
I don't know that I have communicated these impressions very well, but I wanted to record these things and share them. I feel strongly that there are others of you who are struggling with similar feelings. I want you to know that God loves you too! It doesn't matter how imperfect and inadequate you may feel, He loves you dearly. He wants to be a part of your life, your sorrows and your successes. He is there to run to your aid and to help see you through the challenges you are facing! You can pray to Him, tell him everything...
I really believe that as we allow the spirit to soften our hearts, our eyes will be opened to the overwhelming evidence of God's love for each of us personally."
I imagine there are times that our choices do keep us from FEELING His love, yes. But beyond that there are some who are numb from medication that keep their demons at bay. Others feel little because trauma and pain have led them to subconsciously feel nothing, not the painful but also not the pleasant. Still others, like me for years, escape their reality through social media or stifle it with food.
In therapy last week my therapist asked me to look on my coping mechanisms with compassion. Whatever it is that I was doing, they were my best efforts to stay afloat in stormy seas with waves that would have likely overtaken me otherwise. And now I could evaluate if they are still serving me and determine if there are better, more healthy resources to intentionally take on the stresses of life.
In any case, whatever is keeping you from feeling God's love (even though most often it is very unintentional and sometimes even out of our control), I truly believe that His love is ALWAYS there for you. You may not see it, you may not be able to feel it, but I want you to know that it IS there. His love for you is constant, unchanging. He loves you dearly just the way you are. He loves you in your darkest moments. He cheers for you in every tiny step that you take. His support is unfailing and He will forever shower down His love on you, even when He knows you can't sense it.
If you have a few minutes, here is one of my favorite songs.
"Loyal" by Lauren Daigle
I could never earn Your heart
I could never reach that far
But You have pulled me close
You'll never let me go
I'm safe forever in Your arms
Your promises, I cannot break
And I know You will never change
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
More faithful than the rising sun
This grace for me I can't outrun
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
You are always there for me
You listen every time I speak
You look into my eyes
See the things I hide
And say that You will never leave
Your promises I can not break
And I know You will never change
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
More faithful than the rising sun
This grace for me I can't outrun
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
When my world shakes
Your love remains unshaken
So constant, so perfect, unwavering
When my world falls
Your love remains unfailing
So constant, so perfect, unwavering
So constant, so perfect, unwavering
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
More faithful than the rising sun
This grace for me I can't outrun
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
Oh, loyal
Loyal
I want to share an entry that I wrote five years ago on our family blog. (I've left out names for the privacy of my family.)
MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 2014
He loves even me.
"Wow January has been a rough month. Let's see what has been going on...
Got back from Utah a few days before the New Year, both boys were sick (coughs, congestion, fevers, snotty noses). At least one of us has been sick since October. Four months of passing around bugs is no fun.
Then there was the "Snowmageddon" here in St. Louis where we got a giant snowstorm and were "snowed in" for a few days, combined with sub zero temperatures. Between sickies and FRIGID weather there has been little of venturing out and much staying in.
It wouldn't be so bad but it feels like our apartment is slowly closing in on us.
There are boxes and bins and stashes of clutter throughout the house, especially upstairs. It's a joke to stay on top of it all, let alone get ready in the morning. (My shirts are hanging in the kids' bedroom, all of my pants, skirts, dresses and undershirts are haphazardly stacked in their closet. My shoes, socks and PJs are are in my room and if I happen to forget something before the baby goes down for a nap, he's too light of a sleeper to slip in while he's sleeping.) It'd be so nice to have one more room. He hadn't been sleeping through the night (and we felt like prisoners in our own room sneaking in to go to bed at night--the slightest creak would wake him.), so we decided to sleep train him in the bathroom. He's been sleeping like a champ, but it makes it tricky to get ready for bed/for the day.
I think what really takes the cake is our older son [who has since been diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and anxiety]. His tantrums are epic and our power struggles are frequent. I'm trying so hard to let go of my need to be in control, but it is SUCH a challenge! It's made for many unhappy, intense and adrenaline-filled run ins with him :0(
Remember me mentioning a little black rain cloud? Well it seems like MOST of January I had a black rain cloud looming overhead.
One day, after losing my temper with our oldest son I went into my room and melted into tears. My husband was home. Sensing that I was needing extra support, held me and reassured me that I was doing a great job. I told him that I was sick of always having to put on a happy face even when the kids woke up grumpy, even if I was constantly greeted with whining and demands.
What if I'm having a hard day?!
He had been so great to step in on several occasions to take over for me and lighten my load, but each time I would return feeling burdened and unable to handle things positively.
In the midst of all of this I was asked to do a second calling (unpaid service opportunity) at church-- Primary Teacher for the 8 year-olds in addition to being an Activity Days leader for the 8-11 year-old girls.
I honestly was frustrated.
Why was I being asked to do another calling (mind you, it was up to me to accept the calling or not)? Wasn't there someone else who could do it? Don't they know that I already have a lot on my plate?
I accepted the calling, but a bit grudgingly.
This last Saturday I was supposed to give a little presentation at the "It's Great to be Eight program" (to prepare the kids who are 7 for baptism when they turn 8). I'd had a busy day and arrived late. To make a long story short, as I entered the room and listened to the musical presentation and various talks my heart was touched and I sensed the great love that God had for those children.
As I was driving away from the church I had this sweet feeling wash over me and a thought came to me as if God was talking to me saying,
"Sarah, I love you so much."
It sounds trite, but in that instant I realized that all month, probably because of my imperfect ways of dealing with stressful situations, I had felt unworthy of love... how could God love me when I was making less than satisfactory choices? :0( But in that moment I KNEW so strongly that God loved me and wanted so much for me to know it. It felt as if He had been trying all month to get through to me and had finally succeeded. It was such a relief, as if instantly I was able to set down the burden that I had been carrying, knowing that He had forgiven me and was there to help me.
Yesterday at church I was sitting with my primary class during singing time. The music leader was leading us in songs, "Because God Loves Me" and "He Sent His Son". With the second song she had the adults sing the questions in the song and the children sing the answers. I teared up as I heard the girls in my class sweetly sing, and I felt so grateful to be there as their teacher, taking part in such a simple yet sweet spiritual moment. Once again the spirit softened my heart and the thought came to me that God hadn't asked me to be a primary teacher to burden me, but because He knew that these primary kids would bless my life.
These experiences helped me to see that in a way I had been resenting the trials that I've been facing. I think subconsciously I'd been asking,
"Why me? What have I done to deserve this?"
It reminds me of the 18 month mission I served in Montréal Canada. At one point I was dealing with a lot of anxiety, more than I ever had up until that point. I had a constant tightness in my stomach and during that season of life I didn't have many tools to work through it. I was desperate to find some relief. I asked the missionary who oversaw our district if he could give me a priesthood blessing and let me know of God's will for me. I didn't explain any of what had been going on in my heart. He put his hands on my head and acting as proxy for the Savior, told me to let go of my anger, that things were the way they were supposed to be for a reason. I was amazed to know that God was aware of my situation and a bit surprised to hear the source of my anxiety. But that counsel resonated with me and has come back to my thoughts on several occasions since.
I've got to remember that this, all that I'm living now, is for a reason. God hasn't forgotten me. It's not a mistake. I am not being punished and He hasn't forsaken me. He wants to be there for me, I need to make sure not to forsake Him.
I don't know that I have communicated these impressions very well, but I wanted to record these things and share them. I feel strongly that there are others of you who are struggling with similar feelings. I want you to know that God loves you too! It doesn't matter how imperfect and inadequate you may feel, He loves you dearly. He wants to be a part of your life, your sorrows and your successes. He is there to run to your aid and to help see you through the challenges you are facing! You can pray to Him, tell him everything...
I really believe that as we allow the spirit to soften our hearts, our eyes will be opened to the overwhelming evidence of God's love for each of us personally."
I imagine there are times that our choices do keep us from FEELING His love, yes. But beyond that there are some who are numb from medication that keep their demons at bay. Others feel little because trauma and pain have led them to subconsciously feel nothing, not the painful but also not the pleasant. Still others, like me for years, escape their reality through social media or stifle it with food.
In therapy last week my therapist asked me to look on my coping mechanisms with compassion. Whatever it is that I was doing, they were my best efforts to stay afloat in stormy seas with waves that would have likely overtaken me otherwise. And now I could evaluate if they are still serving me and determine if there are better, more healthy resources to intentionally take on the stresses of life.
In any case, whatever is keeping you from feeling God's love (even though most often it is very unintentional and sometimes even out of our control), I truly believe that His love is ALWAYS there for you. You may not see it, you may not be able to feel it, but I want you to know that it IS there. His love for you is constant, unchanging. He loves you dearly just the way you are. He loves you in your darkest moments. He cheers for you in every tiny step that you take. His support is unfailing and He will forever shower down His love on you, even when He knows you can't sense it.
If you have a few minutes, here is one of my favorite songs.
"Loyal" by Lauren Daigle
I could never earn Your heart
I could never reach that far
But You have pulled me close
You'll never let me go
I'm safe forever in Your arms
Your promises, I cannot break
And I know You will never change
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
More faithful than the rising sun
This grace for me I can't outrun
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
You are always there for me
You listen every time I speak
You look into my eyes
See the things I hide
And say that You will never leave
Your promises I can not break
And I know You will never change
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
More faithful than the rising sun
This grace for me I can't outrun
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
When my world shakes
Your love remains unshaken
So constant, so perfect, unwavering
When my world falls
Your love remains unfailing
So constant, so perfect, unwavering
So constant, so perfect, unwavering
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
More faithful than the rising sun
This grace for me I can't outrun
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
Oh, loyal
Loyal
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