Years ago, while preparing for a natural birth with our first daughter, my Nother Mother mentioned relaxing and submitting to the process--that my body would know what to do. Even tension and tightness in my jaw would hinder my progress while laboring.
Several times I've felt impressed that this part of my journey is like
transition during child birth.
It's the discomfort, pain and rigor that make way for new life.
BUT
fighting it only delays it.
Have I mentioned that I've resisted EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing)? I'm quite proficient in analyzing situations cognitively, but seem to avoid FEELING my way through them.
The last few times I've gone to therapy I've prayed and asked that I will allow myself to feel and learn what I need to, instead of resisting it.
On Friday, my therapist asked a question to guide me to where my work needed to be for the session. The memory that came to mind felt like the tip of the iceberg for underlying shame that I have carried since I was little. It has to do with my body image, affection, sexuality and physical touch. I've avoided this part of my healing because it has felt SO wrapped up in embarrassment and shame.
From a young age, I didn't understand how to navigate and properly process certain things, so out of fear I had thrown them in to the deceptive darkness and pseudo-safety of my closet. Shame had told me to hide them away, promising that the dark would keep them at bay.
What shame failed to mention is that the light is what frees us, not the dark.
Years ago while sitting in the St. Louis Temple (of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), the thought came to me that
satan would have us hide and cover ourselves in shame.
Whereas our Savior will literally cover us with His sacrifice.
The devil would have us cower in fear, darkness and despair,
the Savior will illuminate our souls with His light and free us.
A few days ago, as my 37 year old self sat there with the loving guidance of my therapist, I was able to revisit certain memories with an expanded vision. It was as if God's spirit spoke directly to my spirit, inviting me to let go of the shame. In that moment I suddenly felt a weight lifted. I saw my child self with compassion and understanding and love.
What I had tirelessly worked to keep tucked away in my proverbial closet, no longer needed my energy.
As I drove away from my session, I was filled with such light and joy. It made me think of a passage from the Book of Mormon about Alma the Younger's encounter with the Lord.
Mosiah 27:29 "My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more."
I truly believe that whatever it is that we've instinctively hidden away,
bringing it to the light,
in its proper place and time,
will free us.
Fear is a Liar (watch the music video here)
When he told you you're not good enough
When he told you you're not right
When he told you you're not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you're not worthy
When he told you you're not loved
When he told you you're not beautiful
That you'll never be enough
When he told you you're not right
When he told you you're not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you're not worthy
When he told you you're not loved
When he told you you're not beautiful
That you'll never be enough
Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
When he told you were troubled
You'll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You'll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change
You'll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You'll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change
Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Oh, let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Oh, fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
'Cause fear he is a liar
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Jason Ingram / Zach Williams / Jonathan Lindley Smith
Fear Is a Liar lyrics © Essential Music Publishing
Oh sweet Sarah, this hit me like a ton of bricks. Thank you for sharing this precious messageAmessage! I'm in happy tears for you and the weight that has been lifted, the light that has poured in. I love you so much!
ReplyDelete