How LOVE Has Changed.

It was 3 years in to our marriage when I realized how much my husband did to keep me happy.  I think he knew all too well what my "unhappy" looked like and wanted to keep it at bay.  I don't blame him.  I was emotionally volatile and when triggered would usually melt in to tears and the silent treatment would ensue.  Almost anything offended me so egg shells were often the path that he unfortunately had to walk.

It made me sad (and honestly insecure) to think of what he was holding back to avoid the stress from my emotional setbacks.  Thankfully that sadness started working in my heart.  I wanted to be less concerned about me and more concerned about him, but I didn't know how long the path would be.

Over the years things got better.  I learned to give more than I took, but my anxiety and depression fueled my compulsive behaviors.  Social media felt like an easy, instant and accessible escape from the day-to-day when being a stay-at-home mom was too stressful to face.  And that when was always.  My phone was my friend, never to be left home or behind.  I knew the hurt it was causing my husband and children, but didn't know how to fully engage with them without feeling a flood of overwhelm, guilt, insecurity, fear, and resentment.  And with it my irritability, knee-jerk reactions and "monster mom" moments.

Thankfully both of us have always been very committed to God and have known that we can turn to His faithfulness and love when our efforts fall short.  Though we have both always cherished our marriage, keeping that relationship with God intact has been key to sustaining ours.  Striving to have Christ and His gospel as the central focus of our lives and the foundation of our home has been paramount.  After all, what did Christ teach with His life and even His death? Concern, sacrifice, forgiveness, mercy, grace, second chances, compassion, awareness, understanding, selflessness.  He taught LOVE.  His love has seen us through it all.  Moves, sickness, children, mental illness, selfishness, and stress.  His love has been constant and has carried ours when it is lacking.

And honestly, His love led us to therapy. 

    As an important caveat, having my husband start therapy (3 months after I did) felt a bit like opening an unexpected can of worms. It tooks me several months to become accustomed to him voicing his feelings and needs. But that was a necessary adjustment for us to make progress & move forward.

We'd both agree that God gifted us with therapy to change ourselves, our lives, our marriage and family and hopefully to be a blessing to others.  Learning about my needs has helped me to better identify his.  Coming to know what a healthy attachment looks like has started me on the path of being more engaged with my children and husband.  Truly understanding Christ's love, gifts and mission for me has given me the confidence to love myself and to more fully love those around me.

Twelve years in and I finally feel like the path we walk isn't an emotional land mine.  We are beginning to understand the journey that we are both on and how we can walk together more openly, authentically and joyfully.

Just last night while cleaning the kitchen together, my husband commented on how much more engaged I am in seeing, understanding and showing love for him in the ways that he needs.  We joked that it only took a decade to speak his love language.  I guess in the grand scheme of things that's not too bad.  Better late than never.

The love has always been there but it has changed for the better.