To say that the last few months has been hard would be an understatement. COVID-19, school closures and social distancing has exacerbated an already stressful time. My husband and I agree that this season has been the most challenging that we've ever gone through as a couple. It has pushed us to the limits and required our all. We both struggle with our mental health and since March it has often felt like we've been taking turns propping the other one up.
At the end of March, we started moving to a different house across town. After we got a truck full of our furniture moved over (thanks to angel ward members!), we thought it'd be nice to slowly ferry the rest. We joke that in reality it was more like giving birth for 2 1/2 months. Day after day, week after week, we were worn out and barely hanging on.
The constant chaos, noise, quarreling and messes were relentless. Add in a series of unfortunate events with moving and settling in and my anxiety was amping up. By the beginning of May I could feel exhaustion setting in and with it depression. I had little mental, emotional and physical energy left to give and felt like giving up.
During one of my therapy sessions over Google Duo, I cried as I expressed the guilt I felt for feeling so hopeless, as if I should be better and stronger. My therapist asked, "Can you not find any compassion for yourself?" The reality was, I really couldn't. All I felt was guilt and shame. What he said next really struck me, "Self Compassion is a skill." Then he went on to point out the various ways that things really were challenging and helped me to shift my shame to compassion.
Thankfully at the beginning of May, Utah was starting to have lifted corona virus-related restrictions and my hubby reached out to family for prayers on our behalf. For the next two weeks we had family come to the rescue! My SIL watched 3 of our kids for FIVE days, my parents and sister came and helped with projects and organizing and my siblings took ALL 5 kids camping for two nights so we could get a break. The Relief Society presidents in our former and new wards rallied some meals and helped with packing. It was just the reinforcement we needed and helped us turn a corner.
I also had the thought one day to search for some new songs to play on repeat, to feed my mind important truths. These songs have especially given voice to my soul lately (Tomorrow, Good Fight, King of the World).
Last week the final push finally came to completely vacate our previous house. As some kind ward members unloaded the final items in to our VERY full garage I wanted to cry. Yes, maybe in part because we had succeeded in getting ALL of our stuff to our new house, but more so because of the mountain of unsorted and unlabeled boxes that now stood in front of me. Weariness washed over me anew and with it feelings of depression & wanting to surrender.
At the end of March, we started moving to a different house across town. After we got a truck full of our furniture moved over (thanks to angel ward members!), we thought it'd be nice to slowly ferry the rest. We joke that in reality it was more like giving birth for 2 1/2 months. Day after day, week after week, we were worn out and barely hanging on.
The constant chaos, noise, quarreling and messes were relentless. Add in a series of unfortunate events with moving and settling in and my anxiety was amping up. By the beginning of May I could feel exhaustion setting in and with it depression. I had little mental, emotional and physical energy left to give and felt like giving up.
During one of my therapy sessions over Google Duo, I cried as I expressed the guilt I felt for feeling so hopeless, as if I should be better and stronger. My therapist asked, "Can you not find any compassion for yourself?" The reality was, I really couldn't. All I felt was guilt and shame. What he said next really struck me, "Self Compassion is a skill." Then he went on to point out the various ways that things really were challenging and helped me to shift my shame to compassion.
Thankfully at the beginning of May, Utah was starting to have lifted corona virus-related restrictions and my hubby reached out to family for prayers on our behalf. For the next two weeks we had family come to the rescue! My SIL watched 3 of our kids for FIVE days, my parents and sister came and helped with projects and organizing and my siblings took ALL 5 kids camping for two nights so we could get a break. The Relief Society presidents in our former and new wards rallied some meals and helped with packing. It was just the reinforcement we needed and helped us turn a corner.
I also had the thought one day to search for some new songs to play on repeat, to feed my mind important truths. These songs have especially given voice to my soul lately (Tomorrow, Good Fight, King of the World).
Last week the final push finally came to completely vacate our previous house. As some kind ward members unloaded the final items in to our VERY full garage I wanted to cry. Yes, maybe in part because we had succeeded in getting ALL of our stuff to our new house, but more so because of the mountain of unsorted and unlabeled boxes that now stood in front of me. Weariness washed over me anew and with it feelings of depression & wanting to surrender.
A few days later, through tears, I apologized to my sweet hubby for the irritable, abrasive, demanding ways I'd been acting. As I talked it out, the analogy that came to mind was this: It was as if I was taken from my sunny patch of garden where I had blossomed and flourished (see In to the Sunlight). The move had wilted me and now I was being transplanted in to new ground, underneath nourishing, but heavy soil. It is like I am facing a new season of pushing towards the light and it's overwhelming and discouraging at times. The water systems I had in place have not been set up yet, and I feel clouded and weak.
BUT...
the blessing is that I have pushed through before and know that I can feel the sunshine again.
I have learned ways to nourish my soul.
I know that I am in the Master Gardener's hands and that all of these changes are part of a greater plan for me and my family.
With patience, time, grace and effort I will flourish in this new place.
the blessing is that I have pushed through before and know that I can feel the sunshine again.
I have learned ways to nourish my soul.
I know that I am in the Master Gardener's hands and that all of these changes are part of a greater plan for me and my family.
With patience, time, grace and effort I will flourish in this new place.
I am not alone in feeling out of sorts during this season. I imagine that much of the world has felt displaced in one way or another.
How do you see it as a season of growth?
What is helping get you through?
How do you see it as a season of growth?
What is helping get you through?
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