By His Grace I Can.

Per request of my Sister-in-law, a year ago March, I started a series about Creating Calm at home (read the first post  here ).  She and her cute family were visiting us this weekend and I suddenly remembered my promise of writing a second post.  Oops.  Better late than never. Let me start with a little walk down memory lane. When I was a first time mom and my daughter was probably 8 or 9 months old, we went for a play date.  At one point during our visit, my baby girl was sitting on the carpet reaching for toys.  Whatever she reached for was quickly snatched away by the 2 year old play mate.  Every time she'd grab the toy, the little girl would yell, "it's mine!" and throw it in to her crib. Naively I thought to myself, "what a rude little girl.  Can't she share?" Fast forward a few years when we had a couple of little siblings over to play.  The littlest child picked up one of our toys and almost instinctively my daughter yanked it from his...

The other day my cute, explorative 7 year old mentioned that one of our "wild flowers" was growing burrs. I kind of shrugged it aside, thinking that I had already pulled the burr-producing plants on our hillside.  The next night when I came out to water, he insisted on showing me. Sure enough, the stem he pointed to had DOZENS of little velcro-like green burrs, sticking to  almost anything they touched. Apparently they are Velvet Stickweed.  Velvet or not, they were getting the boot. The last few days we’ve pulled one after the next. Many of them are 2 or 3 feet tall! They’ve been under our noses the whole time, but we hadn’t recognized them for what they were or how pervasively they’d propagate. Thanks to some great help from my kids, as of this morning they’ve all been identified and pulled. Enough to fill up TWO big garbage bags. Thank heavens we got them out before all of those burrs fell and reseeded themselves. (I’ll admit, I felt a little foolish hav...

  Years ago, while preparing for a natural birth with our first daughter, my Nother Mother mentioned relaxing and submitting to the process--that my body would know what to do.  Even tension and tightness in my jaw would hinder my progress while laboring. Several times I've felt impressed that this part of my journey is like  transition during child birth.   It's the discomfort, pain and rigor that make way for new life. BUT fighting it only delays it. Have I mentioned that I've resisted EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing)?  I'm quite proficient in analyzing situations cognitively, but seem to avoid FEELING my way through them. The last few times I've gone to therapy I've prayed and asked that I will allow myself to feel and learn what I need to, instead of resisting it. On Friday, my therapist asked a question to guide me to where my work needed to be for the session.  The memory that came to mind felt like the tip of the iceberg for unde...

About a year ago, one of my sisters was in town visiting for a few days.  I had finished lunch with the kids and had been down in my craft room for a few minutes, working with my sister to photograph items for her Etsy shop... when I heard a  serious cry of pain from my third child. He is a sensitive little guy and tends to cry easily and frequently,  but I knew something was definitely wrong.  I dashed up the stairs.   As I rounded the banister I see my son kneeling on the floor, blood dripping from his face and a puddle of blood on the carpet.    Unlike my other sister who was an ICU nurse for years, I get queasy over the smallest little injuries, even paper cuts.  If I could I'd always leave the injuries to another adult to field.   In any case, I knew that I needed to be as calm as possible to figure out what was going on.   And though I was somewhat composed I was still very panicky.   My daughters, who ha...

With the worldwide pandemic in swing, I have really struggled with whether or not I'm going to send my kids back to school.   Sometimes when things feel especially overwhelming, my reflex is to pretend them away ,  or perpetually procrastinate  and postpone the decision.   But you can only put things off for so long. A few weeks ago I finally prayed,  "Heavenly Father, you know that I'm afraid of this, you know I don't want to think about it, please just help me to have an open mind and a soft heart so I can know what would be best." One quiet little thought came... Consider each child and their unique situation.   I let that thought simmer for awhile, but my prayer continued, as did my pondering.   I thought of the hymn, "Lead, Kindly Light". "Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see The distant scene--one step enough for me." Previously, it felt as if I had a been given one small step,  but again was in darkness. ...

A few months in to this COVID-19 pandemic, someone posted that we are in the same storm, but not the same boat.   That struck a chord with me.   Yes, we may be dealing with similar overarching issues, but the implications and underlying issues are so personal. You may be suffering because of... ...a lay off ...a loved one fighting for their life or another who has passed away because of this terrible virus ...being quarantined at home for too long without respite or help ...family ties are already strained and quarantine has just exacerbated them. ...the panic and paranoia that comes from such a large scale disruption ...getting the virus and struggling through the symptoms and recovery My prayer for months has been, "Please bless those who are suffering because of this pandemic."  Whatever you are facing, I pray that a glimmer of God's love and hope can reach you, and help see you through to the other side. I looked through the last several months and these are...

I don't know about you, but I tend to cringe when I hear this phrase.  "She's a good mom" makes me think that there must be one set of criteria that determines what makes a mother a good one.   In reality, God created each of us  distinctly for  unique missions .   How can a bird fulfill the measure of its creation if it's trying to be like a rhinoceros?  Wouldn't an ant's amazing strength go untapped if it was expending all of its energy trying to look like a butterfly?   How will my family rise to our greatest if I am trying to get them to be like someone else's family?   How will each of my children reach their greatest potential if I am trying to mold them in to a stereotypical box? And won't I do better as a mom if I feel like I'm a good mother instead of comparing and doubting and wondering, and put my intent and energy in to the family I've got with the strengths that I've been given? What I'd love to hear is, "she's...

When we first moved in, the side yard was primarily sandy clay with a few scattered weeds and patches of tall grass.  I had a vision of creating a quaint rock path surrounded by wild flowers. We got to work putting the flagstone pieces down then prepped the soil for sowing the seeds.  Since April, every morning and evening I've watered the hillside.  Because I have very little experience with gardening and even less with wild flowers, I decided to let any green thing grow. About two months later I asked Gretchen, my green-thumbed friend & gardening guru (say that five times fast), to come take a look and help me figure out what was growing.  With ease she identified the different flowers and weeds.  After she left I took my bucket and pulled up most weeds, but left a few varieties because I thought they were harmless and pretty and were helping to keep the soil from eroding. Last week she was over again helping me in my yard.  She glanced at the...

To say that the last few months has been hard would be an understatement.  COVID-19, school closures and social distancing has exacerbated an already stressful time.  My husband and I agree that this season has been the most challenging that we've ever gone through as a couple.  It has pushed us to the limits and required our all.  We both struggle with our mental health and since March it has often felt like we've been taking turns propping the other one up. At the end of March, we started moving to a different house across town.  After we got a truck full of our furniture moved over (thanks to angel ward members!), we thought it'd be nice to slowly ferry the rest.  We joke that in reality it was more like giving birth for 2 1/2 months.  Day after day, week after week, we were worn out and barely hanging on. The constant chaos, noise, quarreling and messes were relentless.  Add in a series of unfortunate events with moving and settling in an...

I am about as naive and sheltered as they come. I grew up in an extremely Anglo-Saxon, white, middle class city with a VERY narrow religious realm. I was primarily unfamiliar with varying demographics. I knew that I hated “racist” jokes and comments and felt more comfortable with my Mexican friends than with many other people in the school. But it wasn’t until a multicultural class in college that I started tapping in to what truly was wrapped up in racism. My first time hear ing the term “white privilege” made me very uncomfortable and defensive. But as a decade and a half has gone by I am realizing more and more what that privilege really means, how it affects MILLIONS of people on a daily basis and how racist I am without even knowing it. It feels like this awakening for me is one step forward and three steps back and too frequently involves inserting my foot in my mouth. Regardless, what has happened in the United States since day ONE regarding minorities and particularly African-A...

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been a year since I posted last. But, let’s be honest, life has been SO busy with five kids and with any spare minutes I’ve been painting my little heart out. The last few months have been extra crazy: we bought a house across town and have been renovating it, have been trying to sell our other home, adopted two guinea pigs, had 12+ house showings with no bites, started moving and settling in while juggling life with our 5 kids and school closures 🤪. My anxiety and old survive patterns have been creeping in but I’m really striving to see God’s hand, hold on to His goodness, and take on this season of life intentionally. How are you all hanging in there?? Why I’m really here is because of a project I wanted to share with you, especially with the entire world being turned upside down by COVID-19. Back in December I had the thought to create an exhibit about the Savior and His life & mission to celebrate Easter. We were going to have an open hou...

I recently have been thinking about God's love.  Why is it that we can't always feel it?  Why do we feel so lost and trapped in darkness at times? I want to share an entry that I wrote five years ago on our family blog.  (I've left out names for the privacy of my family.) MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 20 14 He loves even me. "Wow January has been a rough month.  Let's see what has been going on... Got back from Utah a few days before the New Year, both boys were sick (coughs, congestion, fevers, snotty noses).  At least one of us has been sick since October.  Four months of passing around bugs is no fun.   Then there was the "Snowmageddon" here in St. Louis where we got a giant snowstorm and were "snowed in" for a few days, combined with sub zero temperatures.  Between sickies and FRIGID weather there has been little of venturing out and much staying in.   It wouldn't be so bad but it feels like our apartment is slowly closing i...

This morning I was kneeling on the tile floor in our laundry room, fishing to the side of our dryer to pull out all of the random items that had fallen there over the last several months.  My 3 year old daughter came in clutching a necklace and apologizing sweetly for having broken it, I wish I could say I handled it calmly. I wish I could write that I sweetly forgave her. but the reality is I was so upset. Although she loves to borrow my necklaces, realistically she has rarely broken any of them.  But I think it's the fact that her older brother, my gem loving son, has often been the culprit, taking my jewelry without asking then either losing or breaking it. All of the past frustration flooded into the moment.  I grabbed the necklace and with frustration told her I was upset that something else of mine was now broken. My daughter ran off to her room in tears.  And I walked down the hall to mention the broken chain to my husband, "I don't want to just sa...

Imagine yourself at the bottom of a deep dark hole.  At the top you see an often blue sky, puffy clouds, sunset and sunshine.  Yet regardless of your seemingly constantly efforts to get out of this pit, you never are able to.  Sure the pin light perspective of nature brings you hope and moments of happiness, but you feel so far removed from it.  Your tireless attempts leave you exhausted, irritable, frustrated, discouraged, doubtful and depressed.  Within ear shot you hear so many others who are loving life, but regardless of what you have, your blessed circumstances or even who loves you, you just don't feel it. Though you want nothing more, you simply can't understand how the sunshine feels. Through a series of promptings from God, you & your husband take a leap of faith and move your family of 6 across the country, in the middle of the COLD Midwest Winter.  You find yourself much CLOSER to home, but still 3 hours from family and feeling very much...

Do any of you remember my post about the Father's Workshop? (Read full post here )  Well it was just about a year ago that I felt inspired to start this blog and since then I have very much felt that this is a project that God has called me into His "workshop" to do together. For months my blog was dormant, nothing came for me to share.  But within the last month I feel God beckoning to me to come, work with Him, follow His promptings, learn from His wisdom, hone my gifts, try my hand at new ones, share what He puts in to my mind & heart and spend time with Him.  It has been a sweet sweet time. I'm amazed at how ideas will just flow as I sit down to type.  I am learning just as much as I am sharing.  If I ever seem extra enthusiastic about a concept, allegory, perspective or paradigm shift it is because God is the one teaching them to me and I feel the power of what He is showing me... and can't help but share it with you! :0) With that in mind, along ...

Several hours after I gave birth to our most recent child, I was finally getting out of the hospital bed to get cleaned up.  It had been a rather traumatic birth and I had needed that time to hold my new son and let my body rest. I lifted off the hospital blanket and slowly eased my way to the edge of the bed.  I felt like a deflated balloon with no strength, stiff and sore, my tummy covered with stretch marks, both old and new.  The very first thoughts that came were of shame, weakness and ugliness. BUT I quickly countered them with my own-- how proud I was of my body, nine long months of discomfort and pain, all that it had endured to bring this baby in to the world.  What a miracle and blessing. Yesterday morning while sitting in bed nursing my baby, I caught a glimpse of myself from across the room in our bedroom mirror.  My messy bun had reached a new level of messiness, my two-day old mascara was amplifying the bags under my eyes and my shirt h...

Hey All!  Happy Friday. I just wanted to drop in and share some feelings from the last little while... 1. Artistic- We got to attend our postponed water color class.  LOVED it! 2. Pampered- My hubby watched the kids while I tucked myself in bed, ate chocolate and sped read an AWESOME book in time for a book group. (More on that book later.) 3. SUPER frustrated- I wear Vionic orthaheel flip flops around the house because I have plantar fascitis and our puppy chewed up my new pair!!!  Arrgh!  I thought she was laying on our bed, but before I knew it she was under the bed chewing away.  Insert tears. 4. Enlightened- A morning that I had a special experience regarding each of our unique gifts and ability to shine God's light.  I took this outside the temple before going inside. (It was so powerful! Read about it here .) 5. Challenged- Some really difficult moments with my son with ASD.  I was praying to understand him better and that I could...

This morning, in conjunction with seeking light & inspiration at a nearby temple (of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), I had a very sweet and powerful experience.  With it being the weekend, I was going to wait and type it up next week, but when I saw that it was International Women's Day, I knew I needed to take the time to share this TODAY. While driving away from my house this morning I had the idea to text a song to a friend of mine.  I've learned to as-immediately-as-possible follow through with the whisperings of God's spirit, so I pulled over and sent the text.  Next came the thought to tell her how amazing she is, that she is just the way God needs her to be (strengths, weaknesses, insecurities and all) and that He works beautifully through her. That phrase made me think of a prism and how it refracts light.  The words came to me, "We're each unique prisms (with the different faces & facets of our personalities and testimonies...